In conflict, it might feel like you and your partner are in opposing teams. With hard feelings, it can be hard to extend grace and empathy. Thus, creating more space between the two of you—leaving you both feeling misunderstood.
Before we can engage in persuasion or problem-solving, you must first try to understand your partner’s position and similarly, feel understood in yours.
So how do we turn towards instead of turning against each other in moments of conflict? We reach for a shared experience. Shared experiences, including the hard feelings, help us step into the same side of the problem. It becomes ‘us vs. the problem' instead of ‘you vs. me.’
We can do this by practicing the Gottman’s “Assumption of Similarity” tip. The “Assumption of Similarity” tasks us to assign both positive and negative traits we see in ourselves during conflict to our partners too.
How might this sound during conflict conversations? Try implementing the “Just Like Me” method—reflect on your feelings and intentions, then assume your partner is sharing that experience with you. This method diffuses the harshness that escalates conflict by amplifying empathy.
“My partner’s feeling frustrated…just like me.”
“My partner’s trying to make things better…just like me.”
“My partner doesn’t have all the answers…just like me.”
“My partner is concerned about this situation…just like me.”
Holding this perspective inches us towards each other and our shared experience rather than dividing us. It encourages us to approach conflict together, leading with care and understanding for one another.
Written by: Elaine Raif
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