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“You’ll always be that way” “I’m never going to learn” “My family always reacts in that way” “You’re never there for me” Have you noticed yourself using “always” or “never” to describe yourself/others? We all have likely done it. Rarely do we use “always” and “never” after a single incident, so naturally, it truly feels like the situation is as finite as the words, “always” and “never.” However, when we engage in the “always” and “never,” we are engaging in criticism– we point to character faults (in self or in others) rather than addressing a pattern of behavior. Over the last few newsletters, we’ve been noting: words matter. Words matter because what we say, how often we say it contributes to the rewiring of our brain. It solidifies our perspectives, influences our overall sentiment towards self and others. When we use “always” and “never,” we are automatically assuming there is no chance for new behaviors. If you can imagine repeating, “I’m never going to learn” leading up to an exam or work assignment… How might that impact not only your motivation but your self-concept? You might take on that sentiment towards a behavior/task (like studying) and adopt a belief about self- that I am defective in some way. Words like “always” and “never” further create restricting narratives about self/others that might be detrimental. Instead, try having an open discussion or reflection about patterns of behaviors so that we call attention to the situations we’d like to improve vs. limiting our potential for change. Written by: Elaine Raif

When assessing our situations, relationships, and decisions, we might find ourselves in conflict with ourselves. We may have thoughts, feedback or opinions that appear opposing, creating internal conflict and it’s usually accompanied by ‘but’s. For example: “I believe I made the best decision but it still turned out to be challenging” “I really enjoy working with this person but I need more support” “I’m trying my best as a parent but I’m tired” “I want to try this new activity but I might fail” The power of ‘and’ is accepting both statements to be true. Instead of negating one another, they can and do co-exist. Try replacing ‘but’s with ‘and’s: “I believe I made the best decision and it still turned out to be challenging” “I really enjoy working with this person and I need more support” “I’m trying my best as a parent and I’m tired” “I want to try this new activity and I might fail” When we frequently use ‘but’s, we limit our ability to be flexible, (self-) forgiving, and complex. Instead, practicing the power of ‘and’ helps us understand our experiences as nuanced. It is validating our experiences without compromising how we think of ourselves and how we communicate with others. Humans are complex and although it seems like we’re merely replacing words – words matter. The difference between possibilities and limitations lies in the negative loop of ‘but’s. Written by: Elaine Raif