Clarity preserves relationships. Being able to identify and verbalize our needs is key to successful relationships.
But there’s a difference between a negative need and a positive need.
A negative need is pointing out what the other person is doing wrong. For example:
“I need you to stop doing ____.”
“I need you to not say those things…”
“I need you to quit being ____.”
Ex. I need you to stop leaving dirty dishes out
When you state a negative need, you are engaging in criticism because there is an air of disapproval or critique. This in return invites defensiveness from the other person.
Stating a positive need is answering the question: If your need was being met, what would the other person be doing/saying?
In the example above, I might state: I need you to put the dirty dishes in the sink.
Rather than stating what the other person is doing wrong, I am being clear on what I would like to happen instead.
We invite you to try switching from a negative need to a positive need and just notice any shifts in your relationships.
Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237
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