If you grew up in a household that felt unpredictable, you might’ve developed a tendency to be hyper aware of or anticipate other people’s reactions to you.
This skill–sometimes referred to as being able to
“read the room”–might have served you in many ways, including providing you with the information to avoid punishment or maintain harmony in relationships.
As adults, when we rely on
“reading the room” to decide how we will behave with others, we are in a chronic state of hypervigilance. We might assign narratives to the people around us and engage in them only in these predictable ways (ie.
“Oh, he’s always been the passive type” or “she’s never going to compromise”).
Without asking the questions to be curious or clarify, we don’t allow others to show up differently. We’ve created an alternate reality where only we are in control: I predict how others will react to me, so I can prepare how I will behave.
We can’t always know how people will react to our honest selves. So releasing this tendency is not easy and can feel unsafe–we become vulnerable to feelings of disappointment, hurt, rejection etc.
However, it aligns us closer to the truth of our relationships. When we stop trying to manage perceptions, we engage with our people in an open, honest way.
Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237
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