THERAPY RESOURCES

“You’ll always be that way” “I’m never going to learn” “My family always reacts in that way” “You’re never there for me” Have you noticed yourself using “always” or “never” to describe yourself/others? We all have likely done it. Rarely do we use “always” and “never” after a single incident, so naturally, it truly feels like the situation is as finite as the words, “always” and “never.” However, when we engage in the “always” and “never,” we are engaging in criticism– we point to character faults (in self or in others) rather than addressing a pattern of behavior. Over the last few newsletters, we’ve been noting: words matter. Words matter because what we say, how often we say it contributes to the rewiring of our brain. It solidifies our perspectives, influences our overall sentiment towards self and others. When we use “always” and “never,” we are automatically assuming there is no chance for new behaviors. If you can imagine repeating, “I’m never going to learn” leading up to an exam or work assignment… How might that impact not only your motivation but your self-concept? You might take on that sentiment towards a behavior/task (like studying) and adopt a belief about self- that I am defective in some way. Words like “always” and “never” further create restricting narratives about self/others that might be detrimental. Instead, try having an open discussion or reflection about patterns of behaviors so that we call attention to the situations we’d like to improve vs. limiting our potential for change. Written by: Elaine Raif

When assessing our situations, relationships, and decisions, we might find ourselves in conflict with ourselves. We may have thoughts, feedback or opinions that appear opposing, creating internal conflict and it’s usually accompanied by ‘but’s. For example: “I believe I made the best decision but it still turned out to be challenging” “I really enjoy working with this person but I need more support” “I’m trying my best as a parent but I’m tired” “I want to try this new activity but I might fail” The power of ‘and’ is accepting both statements to be true. Instead of negating one another, they can and do co-exist. Try replacing ‘but’s with ‘and’s: “I believe I made the best decision and it still turned out to be challenging” “I really enjoy working with this person and I need more support” “I’m trying my best as a parent and I’m tired” “I want to try this new activity and I might fail” When we frequently use ‘but’s, we limit our ability to be flexible, (self-) forgiving, and complex. Instead, practicing the power of ‘and’ helps us understand our experiences as nuanced. It is validating our experiences without compromising how we think of ourselves and how we communicate with others. Humans are complex and although it seems like we’re merely replacing words – words matter. The difference between possibilities and limitations lies in the negative loop of ‘but’s. Written by: Elaine Raif

When assessing our situations, relationships, and decisions, we might find ourselves in conflict with ourselves. We may have thoughts, feedback or opinions that appear opposing, creating internal conflict and it’s usually accompanied by ‘but’s. For example: “I believe I made the best decision but it still turned out to be challenging” “I really enjoy working with this person but I need more support” “I’m trying my best as a parent but I’m tired” “I want to try this new activity but I might fail” The power of ‘and’ is accepting both statements to be true. Instead of negating one another, they can and do co-exist. Try replacing ‘but’s with ‘and’s: “I believe I made the best decision and it still turned out to be challenging” “I really enjoy working with this person and I need more support” “I’m trying my best as a parent and I’m tired” “I want to try this new activity and I might fail” When we frequently use ‘but’s, we limit our ability to be flexible, (self-) forgiving, and complex. Instead, practicing the power of ‘and’ helps us understand our experiences as nuanced. It is validating our experiences without compromising how we think of ourselves and how we communicate with others. Humans are complex and although it seems like we’re merely replacing words – words matter. The difference between possibilities and limitations lies in the negative loop of ‘but’s. Written by: Elaine Raif

Relationships consist of different people trying to co-exist while operating on their own “code” or personal beliefs, values and experiences. Your relational patterns– the ways you approach conflict, how you process shared experiences, your preferences for intimacy/privacy, etc. –are not unique to your partner; they’re actually unique to you – activated when you’re in-relationship with another person. Couples therapy is a landing place to explore the differences/similarities; develop the soft skills to problem-solve and foster a meaningful connection; and to build a life of shared meaning or “code” as a union. In sessions, your couples therapist is not only a mirror to your relationship’s dysfunction, but a window into what can be instead. Therapists are mirrors – reflecting how your individual, relational patterns show up as seen in our engagements in session. We thank you for bringing it into the space so that we can better see, understand and be curious about these patterns. And we are also windows – an opportunity to witness and participate in different patterns of relating. When your pain or attachment wounds reveals itself in the way you defend, deflect or shut down/out, we aim to meet you with a response you perhaps haven’t received– one that’s tender and affirming. In couples therapy, we are addressing interpersonal challenges across layers– within self, within the dyad, and briefly when appropriate, within the therapeutic relationship. Written by: Elaine Raif

In today’s world of instant communication, online calendars and virtual meetings, goal tracking apps and more… It can be easy to feel like you’re always “catching up,” aiming to be productive in a losing race. By operating in this rigid way, we run the risk of burnout. While important to fulfill our many duties, we must first honor the duty we have to ourselves– to prioritize and maintain our well-being through acts of self-preservation. How do we practice self-preservation? We can do so by practicing the 4 S’s: Silence, Solitude, Slowing down and Stillness Consider implementing the 4 S’s in these important rituals for self-preservation: Something to help me wake up (ie. mindful tea-drinking) Something for the body (ie. taking a leisurely walk, stretch) Something for the heart (ie. reading, journaling) Something for the spirit (ie. meditation, prayer) Something to help me wind down (ie. calming music, a warm bath/shower) Instead of “pushing through” the hard or ignoring our body’s cues, develop an awareness for your wellbeing. Check your meter. Check for false urgencies. Can you make time and space for silence, solitude, slowing down or stillness today? Written by: Elaine Raif

Do you find yourself apologizing for every minor delay, honest mistake, or even an instance you had entirely no fault over? While offering an apology is helpful in many cases, over-apologizing might instead propel our people-pleasing habits and negatively impact self-esteem. So why do we do it? Some reasons we might over-apologize include: Misplaced guilt – Feeling responsible for something outside of our control and choice; or for someone else’s choices People-pleasing – Trying to manage others’ perceptions of self in order to receive their approval/acceptance Low self-esteem – Feeling like a burden for taking up too much space, being “difficult” or disruptive Instead, try replacing “I’m sorry for…” with “Thank you for…” in order to: 1) release misplaced responsibility, 2) allow for others to experience natural consequences, and 3) promote feelings of worthiness For example: Replace “I’m sorry I’m late!” with “Thank you for waiting” Replace “I’m sorry I didn’t return your call/text!” with “Thank you for being patient with me” Replace “I’m sorry that didn’t go as planned” with “Thank you for being understanding about unexpected changes” Written by: Elaine Raif

Following the New Years, we tend to hold ourselves up to a higher standard. While we hope it promotes goals/resolutions, it might instead stifle them and our relationship to them. An important part of goal-setting is understanding imperfection. Try asking yourself: “How might I give myself the best chance at becoming/achieving _________ today?” By asking how we might set ourselves up for the best chance– without guarantee or promise – we’re acting with flexibility and gentleness. We understand that achieving goals takes effort but that there are other factors that impact and inform our journey. We understand that seeking the best chance means some things are out of our control, giving allowance for error or faults in our plans. Striving for the best chance vs. the perfect outcome tasks us to remain present in the process. It reminds us that there’s room to reevaluate and make another attempt or try a different way or version of it. This year, meet yourself with gentleness, celebrate in your efforts, and remember that little by little makes a lot. Written by: Elaine Raif

As we welcome 2024, we welcome new beginnings and new commitments to ourselves. If this is the year you decide to begin your therapy journey, we welcome you! Keep reading to hear more from some of our therapists on takeaways and lessons working with first-time therapy clients.

At the beginning of this year, we released an article describing our Big Three: “To help guide your goal-setting for 2023, consider identifying your ‘Big Three’ or 3 values you’d like to center and strengthen this year. Once you’ve chosen your Big Three, be intentional about spending time, energy, and resources towards fostering it.” As the year comes to a close, we might feel tempted to assess our progress around these values/goals. We might consider how well we did in fostering them, where we could’ve been better, and so on… While holding ourselves accountable is important, it’s also important to note that often, our progress or success is compared to an ideal, “best of the best” scenario. Often, it feels like there is always something more or better to achieve. Instead of seeking “more,” “better” from our year, we invite you to reflect on how you might measure “enough-ness” by asking yourself: How do I measure and therefore, know that I am content? How can I practice allowing what is vs. constantly pursuing what can still be? What does living in acceptance and peace feel like? How can I balance contentment and striving for improvement without the complacency nor pressure? What parts of me am I appreciative of for the way I lived this year? Written by: Elaine Raif

“It’s scary to find out, but it’s a gift to know.” 

As family gatherings commence this holiday season, our attachment wounds and pain points may become magnified. For some of us, this is the time in which we might “armor up” and prepare ourselves for common triggers. We may enter family spaces with anxious predictions and commit to diffusing tension as much as possible, as often as possible. We do this, as we may have in childhood, to “maintain the peace.” But when we are constantly assessing everyone else’s emotional state via verbal/nonverbal cues , we may adopt the responsibility of managing their emotions altogether. This may look like: Mind-reading or trying to make sense of and anticipate others’ behaviors/choices Keeping others from having negative emotions by problem-solving in advance Act as the negotiator or mediator for relationships Instead of trying to manage other people’s emotions, we must release that responsibility by first understanding our role as adults. Our role is not to predict nor curate others’ emotional experiences. Instead, our role as functioning adults is to learn about and acknowledge our own emotions/thoughts that guide our behaviors. We are only responsible for our own experiences and that can look like: Learning to regulate our own emotions to decrease reactivity Being clear on our values, beliefs and boundaries Practicing thoughtfulness and being present in important relationships How might you navigate this season differently with a more self-focused approach rather than an others-focused one? Written by: Elaine Raif

Anxious predictions are our overestimation of something bad happening + the underestimation of our ability to handle it. When we have anxious predictions, we often engage in either 1) avoidance behaviors or 2) safety-seeking behaviors. Avoidance behaviors are simply staying away from the situation altogether. Safety-seeking behaviors are unnecessary precautions to help us better confront the situation, which provides short-term relief by trying to ensure as little risk as possible. For example, if my anxious prediction is: “No one will want to talk to me or hang out with me at this event, I’ll just embarrass myself.” I might 1) not attend the social event at all (avoidance behaviors) or 2) attend the event but make secondary plans, only attend for the first 30 mins, prepare a distraction like a book or phone game (safety-seeking behaviors) To disrupt our anxious predictions, try the following: Identify the predictions (What am I expecting will happen? What conclusions am I jumping to?) Seek evidence (What facts prove my prediction right or wrong?) Focus on your strengths, skills and abilities (Are there positives about me or the situation that I’m ignoring?) Reassess (What’s a more realistic prediction or thought about this situation?) Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW 11237

What defines cheating, from a marriage and family therapist perspective. Couples can get into muddy waters when it comes to one person feeling really “off” about their spouse’s/partner’s “friendship” with someone who could become a romantic partner. This can lead to a lot of fights about what is cheating. Does it have to involve physical contact? These debates don’t actually sooth anyone: the partner who feels there is an inappropriate relationship stays upset and the partner in the other relationship feels judged and defensive. What to do? Let’s define an emotional affair. There are a few parts of it here. The first is obvious. It's a one to one personal relationship with somebody who could become a romantic partner. Even if you would never “do” anything, it is in the realm of possibility for you, or that person, to develop strong feelings. Secondly, there is, if you're honest with yourself, some sexual charge to the relationship. Even though it's not a primarily sexual relationship, you’re attracted and enjoy that attraction. There's some sort of sexual charge, and if you let yourself dwell on it, that charge could grow. The third part is the clincher: you don't tell your spouse/partner about what’s going on in the other relationship. You don’t go home and tell your spouse/partner what you and the other person shared, or you edit it carefully. If you’re the one being accused, now is the time to come clean. Share everything, including the reason you didn’t tell your spouse/partner about this person. If you’re in such a relationship and you’re reading this going “Uh oh,” coming to realize that a friendship is probably going down a bad path, now is the time to cool down the friendship. You don’t have to be dramatic about it. There are plenty of adult friendships where “life” gets in the way and things peter out. If you are the accuser and your partner is defensive and continues to argue they are in the right and you are simply being paranoid, it may be worthwhile to seek some marriage/couples counseling together. There is something bigger going on beyond the possible emotional affair. You and your spouse/partner have trust challenges. You are feeling really vulnerable and unsafe, and your spouse/partner is feeling defensive and treated like an untrustworthy teenager. If your conflict about the other person endures, there are issues that a professional therapist an help you sort out. If you are being suspected of an emotional affair and you are convinced it’s not so (maybe your spouse/partner has been jealous of every one of the opposite sex you’ve worked with), it’s in your best interest to help your spouse/partner feel more confident, and this may require a therapist’s help. Either way, couples therapy can help prevent more damage in the future. It’s not enough to just say “trust me—there’s no issue,” when you spouse/partner is torn up about another relationship. Lastly, if one of you is uncertain about staying in the marriage/relationship, our practice has a specific protocol that can provide guidance and support as your next step. Please visit us at rosejunietherapy.com to book your free phone consultation.

Rest is our best buffer to stress . Rest allows us to build a reserve for when challenging times come. Consider these questions: •How does my body tell me when rest is needed? •What does rest look like in practice? •How will I know that I feel rested? •What do I need to do or communicate in order to give myself permission to rest? •What is keeping me from choosing rest? In this fast-paced society with its share of systemic flaws, there is often an emphasis on productivity that is not sustainable. Rest is key in restoring emotional wellness, physical energy and mental clarity. Especially valuable in the face of conflict, being restful is our safeguard against unmanageable stress. We invite you to shift your narrative– rest is productive too; rest does not necessarily mean sleep, it means being present and still, in both our mind and body. Written by: Elaine Raif Support group for decolonizing moms and anxious moms. Please click link below for our dear friend and colleague Katie Viernes upcoming support groups. https://www.kateviernes.com/mom-village-support-groups-for-decolonizing-moms/ .

August was a devastating month for many impacted by community tragedies like the Maui fires and Hurricane Hilary. News headlines tell stories of loss and destruction; also of mutual aid and disaster relief efforts. When large groups of people recognize a loss, we may experience collective grief. Much like individual grief, we may feel helpless. How do we process collective grief? Healing, too, can be collective. We reach out to one another and avoid isolation. To mourn together is to feel connected and that in itself can be comforting. Or create space for all of the feelings, explore and express grief in your own individual way. It doesn’t have to be shared nor public– journal, create art, or seek professional help. Or perhaps we get involved or give back in some way. Participate in the rebuilding and help those who still need it. There is no one right way to grieve. Whether you’ve been directly impacted or not, it’s with a heavy heart we witness so much pain and hope for so much more healing. Creating a New Baseline Are you drawn to the same patterns of people, environments, etc.? Do you repeatedly find yourself in a similar cycle of dynamics and conflicts? When we’re used to a chaotic environment (like the one we grew up in) …or perhaps high-conflict relationships (like the one with our parents)… We may unknowingly start to seek something similar in adulthood. Why? Because it’s familiar and therefore, safe. Our brains process newness as a threat. We adapted to our surroundings growing up, and so the tools we have as adults are equipped for that same chaos. We developed a baseline, a new normal in order to survive. So in adulthood, a peaceful environment or functioning relationship might instead make us feel uneasy and vulnerable. This cycle ends when awareness begins. Reflect on your early relationships, environments and circumstances– What did I do to survive? What have I tolerated or ignored in order to maintain harmony/relationships/resources? What beliefs or messages have I internalized? And then reflect on today, “zoom out” as you assess areas of your life and choices. Ask yourself: Is this actually helpful and healthy for me? Or is it just familiar? Written by Elaine Raif

Have you ever noticed your self-talk, or the way you talk to and about yourself? Does your inner dialogue have a negative or positive tone? This spooky season, we’re talking about how negative self-talk can be haunting. How? When we engage in negative self-talk, we echo the hurtful, unhelpful thoughts. Negative self-talk can sound like: It's so typical of me to ruin the day, task, relationship etc. I’m too lazy to finish this, I’m always failing. I’m not doing enough. I never do the right thing! When persistent, these thoughts can stunt our growth. They are limiting beliefs and keep us in a state of rumination and often, decreased motivation. Be mindful of how you speak to yourself. Be gentle and encouraging, just as you probably are to your loved ones. Positive self-talk can sound like: I’m not failing, I can learn from this I forgive myself I’m trying and doing my best I can make mistakes and still be worthy Written by: Elaine Raif

A ritual is a structured, intentional activity or event to honor a special time, person or memory. In grief, it can be anything from a formal ceremony or religious practice to sharing stories about the deceased. In the vastness of loss, a grief ritual offers us a moment of remembrance and because it’s a ritual of our choice, a sense of control. It can also be a comforting routine to continue processing the loss, address any “unfinished business,” or simply maintain bonds with the deceased. Some grief rituals include: Preparing an altar/shrine Visiting the memorial site or other special place A Memory Log to write down memories as they come Cooking their favorite meal Doing an activity they enjoyed Gathering and sharing stories Create a playlist of songs you both loved Rituals can be anything–it’s really about the intention and meaning. What are some existing and new grief rituals you participate in? Written by Elaine Raif

One of the most challenging yet transformative experiences in therapy is the “unraveling.” As you begin acknowledging and addressing past hurts, you may start to notice a shift inside of you. It may look like: Naming your thoughts and feelings Identifying your “sore” spots, things you’re especially sensitive to Recognizing your reactivity and impulses Noticing the dynamics across your relationships When we allow ourselves to explore the “yuck that keeps us stuck” in therapy, we gain self-understanding and the language to describe our internal experience. We start to “unravel” and see our ways of being as patterns and learned behaviours. Through the “unraveling,” we give ourselves the opportunity to make connections between our past experiences and our present triggers. During this time, it’s common to feel raw and exposed. Healing is not an easy process. Give yourself grace and celebrate the “aha!” moments and welcome the “ ouch! ” moments. Local Brilliance Shines: Long Beach Journal Spotlights Noemi Alsup During the pandemic, kids and teens were inundated with all kinds of “scary” news, which kickstarted a stress response cycle, activating a fight, flight, or freeze response, said Noemi Alsup, a therapist who works with teens at Rose Junie Therapy. Gentle reminder that awareness is our baseline– we can only do with what we know. Written by: Elaine Raif

If you grew up in a household that felt unpredictable, you might’ve developed a tendency to be hyper aware of or anticipate other people’s reactions to you. This skill–sometimes referred to as being able to “read the room” –might have served you in many ways, including providing you with the information to avoid punishment or maintain harmony in relationships. As adults, when we rely on “reading the room” to decide how we will behave with others, we are in a chronic state of hypervigilance. We might assign narratives to the people around us and engage in them only in these predictable ways (ie. “Oh, he’s always been the passive type” or “she’s never going to compromise”). Without asking the questions to be curious or clarify, we don’t allow others to show up differently. We’ve created an alternate reality where only we are in control: I predict how others will react to me, so I can prepare how I will behave. We can’t always know how people will react to our honest selves. So releasing this tendency is not easy and can feel unsafe–we become vulnerable to feelings of disappointment, hurt, rejection etc. However, it aligns us closer to the truth of our relationships. When we stop trying to manage perceptions, we engage with our people in an open, honest way. Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

Self-witnessing is a powerful practice to increase awareness of our internal experience. Try this: Imagine being a narrator for a movie (you know, like Morgan Freeman ). In stressful times, picture the moment as a movie scene. Your voice over, like most narrators, are describing the inner thoughts, feelings, body sensations etc of the main character (you!) .  It may sound like: “So I rushed out of bed… My heart was racing, I checked the time and suddenly, my palms were sweaty. Then I started feeling worried, thinking about an upcoming work presentation. I’m questioning how I’ll do…” and so on… Self-witnessing is an opportunity to pause in the midst of chaos. To notice and label our internal experience is to slow down. Doing so enables us to understand ourselves, to avoid unwanted patterns/reactions, to identify and seek support or solutions. Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

Clarity preserves relationships. Being able to identify and verbalize our needs is key to successful relationships. But there’s a difference between a negative need and a positive need . A negative need is pointing out what the other person is doing wrong. For example: “I need you to stop doing ____.” “I need you to not say those things…” “I need you to quit being ____.” Ex. I need you to stop leaving dirty dishes out When you state a negative need, you are engaging in criticism because there is an air of disapproval or critique. This in return invites defensiveness from the other person. Stating a positive need is answering the question: If your need was being met, what would the other person be doing/saying? In the example above, I might state: I need you to put the dirty dishes in the sink . Rather than stating what the other person is doing wrong, I am being clear on what I would like to happen instead. We invite you to try switching from a negative need to a positive need and just notice any shifts in your relationships. Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

You probably already know your brain is divided into 2 hemispheres: left and right brain, each functioning very differently. But did you know there’s also an upstairs and downstairs brain? Today, we want to introduce you to the downstairs brain. This part of the brain is responsible for our Stress Response Cycle , aka our Fight/Flight/Freeze response. This response is automatic and a natural process that has kept us alive for years! How can we self-soothe when our stress response cycle is ignited? By tapping into another function our downstairs brain is responsible for: our sensory memories . These are the memories we store via our senses: Sight, Hearing, Smell, Taste, Touch and Vestibular/movement. What does engaging our senses look like? Try the following: Drinking a glass of cold water (Taste) Taking a walk (Sight/Movement) Smelling essential oils or other comforting scents (Smell) Hugging (Touch) Fidget tools, slime or playdough (Touch)  When we engage these senses, we are soothing the same part of our brain that is ignited during Fight/Flight/Freeze. What other ways can you engage your senses? Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

In childhood, we grew up surrounded by “messages” or ideas about ourselves conveyed by our caregivers, teachers, coaches and/or other important adults. These “messages” played a role in shaping how we saw ourselves and the decisions we would make throughout our lives. Expressed in explicit or implicit ways, “messaging” in childhood may continue to affect our current thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and relationships. Reflect on the following questions: Think about rules that were important in your household. What messages did you receive about what was allowed/not allowed? What messages did you receive about friendships? Intimate relationships? What messages did you receive about money? Career choice? What messages did you receive about your body? As you think about the “messaging” you received in childhood, consider how does this impact your understanding of self, relationships, your decisions about school or career? Then, reflect on what “messaging” you would have wanted to hear as a child. If you could go back in time and talk to yourself as a child, what might you say? Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

Rationalizing reward sounds like: “When I complete this task, only then will I take a break.” “Once I achieve a certain level of progress, then I will reward myself with a treat.” “If I can just do one more chore, then I will allow myself to go out with friends.” Depending on our environment, we likely learned early on that we must earn rewards. In our homes and/or in school, certain achievements meant certain rewards in the form of gifts, accolades, praise, attention and more. As adults, we might carry the same conditioning for various reasons—seeking motivation, praise and attention, expectations of self, and so on. We might even call ourselves “overachievers” and celebrate success only if we “worked hard” or “struggled” for it. However, if we only accept rewards following the completion of tasks, we are conditioning our capacity for celebration, joy, relief and rest. Instead of “I earned this,” practice “I deserve this.” There is value in our process, our efforts and attempts that are worthy of celebration too. Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

“Accepting” the end of a relationship (with a friend or family member) does not mean “agreeing with” how or why it ended.  In fact, you may carry questions and reflections that lead you further away from any “closure.” It may initiate feelings of regret, shame, sadness, frustration… Allow space in yourself to feel all of those things. “Accepting” the end of a relationship simply means we are “acknowledging” the overarching truth that the dynamic no longer serves either or both of us. It can be extra challenging to know we are making decisions for our own emotional health. Postpone judgement by remembering you deserve decisions that lead you to ease. Sometimes, we are given time to process together through conversation(s) and at other times, there is silence. Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

We’ve just begun a commitment to healing. We have a vision of who we might be at the end of it but we feel frustrated with the in-between. Our healing is a process; a journey with detours and visitors. The in-between is actually the path we walk on– the journey itself. Detours are the unexpected experiences that teach us about ourselves through redirection. Visitors are the people, unannounced and gentle, who offer us new ways of relating. In the deep desire to be “heal ed ,” we can get lost in our own story. So to start, we invite a pause. Welcome a healing journey that is imperfect and ongoing. Ask yourselves: “What will this journey teach me?" “How have I changed because of the detours? Because of the visitors?” “How might I find the courage to walk the in-between ?” Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

“Boundaries” – We have likely heard or said this word in conversation. It’s often used to describe an ask or need. In this age of technology, words are shared more often and quicker than ever. Overtime, we can become desensitised to the language. You might notice that using the word “boundaries” with your partner, friends, or family members can generate confusing feelings and interpretations. You might’ve received someone’s “boundaries” and interpreted it as an attempt to disconnect or an ultimatum. Or perhaps you expressed your own “boundaries'' and received reactions similarly. What are my boundaries and why are they important? Boundaries create clear limitations around our physical or emotional engagements with others so that we: Take responsibility for ourselves (before others) Create a strong sense of self (outside of others) Identify and communicate our preferences Communicating boundaries must be clear to avoid any guesswork or misinterpretation. When you set boundaries, you set expectations for the interaction. After you identify the “What” and “Why” of your boundaries, it's often helpful to examine the “When” and be consistent. When do I implement my boundaries? If setting boundaries beforehand would be beneficial, start off with a “disclaimer” or brief reminder of your expectations. Example: “If we are going to revisit that conversation, I will not tolerate name-calling.” If you’re having to re-establish boundaries, repeat your limitations and allow for questions or clarifications. Example: “Again, I will not engage in conversations around that topic. How can I help you better understand what I mean? Can I clarify any part that might be unclear?” We can’t expect that we and other(s) will comply with boundaries immediately. This is a gentle reminder to allow yourself to practice, hold onto your “Why” and stay consistent. Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

We all hold unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Although we hope these expectations inspire or motivate us, they may interfere with our ability to pursue goals, relationships, and other desires instead. Unrealistic expectations might sound like: “I can’t ever quit” which can translate into “I have good work ethic" “I don’t need any help” may translate into “I’m hyper independent” “It’s not okay to make mistakes” may translate into “I’m a perfectionist” Unrealistic expectations don’t allow flexibility in ourselves. Instead, it can set us up for disappointment trying to achieve the unachievable. Adjusting our expectations doesn’t mean we are lowering them. It simply means we give ourselves permission to do our best– and that our best changes each day. It also means letting go of the assumption that we are in control of all parts of the situation. Offer yourself compassion instead of blame. Consider these realistic expectations: “I will do my best with the time, energy and resources I have” “I can learn from this experience” “I don’t have to do it all by myself in order to succeed” Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

It is common to experience conflict and disappointment with our own caregivers. As children, our world is limited to our home, school and/or another community but as we grow older, our world also grows. We begin to make decisions around our own relationships and values. Oftentimes, these decisions feel separate from our caregivers and their teachings. There are generational, cultural differences that can make it feel like we are worlds apart from our caregivers. Developing a renewed relationship with our caregivers (should we desire it) is not easy. Here are a few considerations to start: First, honor our experiences. The good, the bad and the ugly. Those events did in fact happen and had real consequences in our life. If we are willing, we help our caregivers see that. Then, humanize our caregiver. Try this: If you could put on a pair of “loving eyes,” how might you see your caregiver differently? Finally, decide what is a “good enough” relationship and build towards that. We cannot achieve perfection in relationships as there will be continued challenges. Instead, we can be honest about each other’s capacity and strive for a relationship we deserve– a “good enough” one based on mutual trust, respect and love. Growing pains are expected. Invite vulnerability by exploring any resistance, notice and affirm positive changes, and practice forgiveness of self and others if applicable. Written by: Elaine Raif, ASW#111237

During moments of repair or forgiving others we love, lean into wonder. Ask yourself: I wonder… Why might they say or do those things I wonder… What were their intentions? Is it out of character or unusual behaviour for them? I wonder… Where did this conversation take a turn? How could it have been improved? I wonder… What is the source of their hurt in this situation? I wonder… If they’re scared or confused too? ?Leaning into wonder is an opportunity to pause and ask questions before responding. This practice encourages us to postpone judgement, extend grace and operate from care. Forgiving ourselves can be just as tricky. Take some time to reflect on the following questions :Is forgiveness hard for me What might forgiveness (of self) look and feel like? I can’t change the past but how might I balance the scales?

The beginning and the end occur simultaneously. As we reach the end of January, we welcome another month. As we look towards newness, we also reminisce.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.” -Fred Rogers